An enlightening conversation with an awakened human being at the dance club last night
I was already drunk when a guy handed me a joint. I inhaled deeply because I thought it might decrease my self-consciousness while dancing. For a while, it did. I became more aware of my body moving with the music and less concerned with the faces of other people and where their eyes were looking. Then it became too much, as I was starting to lose my balance. I stumbled through the crowd to a room where the music was quieter and people were sitting on cushions along the walls.
I sat down on the first empty cushion I saw. My head was spinning. I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes, but that made it worse. I opened my eyes and looked at the person who was sitting on the cushion next to me and I told her honestly what I was going through, in an attempt to focus my mind on something other than how I was feeling.
As she began to talk, the energy I felt from her words was electric and I could sense that she was speaking from a heightened consciousness. The first thing she said that tuned me in to her frequency was that she operates in the world in a feminine way, such that she is a passive receiver of the energies that come to her, as opposed to actively seeking. She immediately reminded me of someone else who I love, a woman who has also achieved a heightened level of consciousness and has explained to me before how she operates in a similar way in the world.
I reached out and grabbed her arm to communicate by physical touch that I was understanding what she was saying. Then she told me that people fall in love with her all the time. She said it like a warning, like she could tell how I was feeling and she wanted to stop me before I got too carried away. She was right. I did have feelings for her in that moment.
But I didn’t think that she understood my feelings. I thought maybe she was putting her guard up out of habit. So I tried to explain. Then I realized that I myself didn’t understand my feelings.
The way I explained it in the moment was that there were two channels in which my feelings were flowing toward her. One was romantic. The other was a higher form of love, a form of love which I read about in a book written by Eckhart Tolle. This higher form of love occurs when one feels a connection to oneness, to source. With her, I was feeling a connection to a source of energy that was turned on at a higher frequency. I felt energized by her presence and I realized that I was starved for it.
I was also feeling a selfish desire to have her awakened presence continue to exist in my life so that she could help me to awaken myself. I was afraid I was going to forget whatever I was understanding while I was with her. I was afraid that she was going to walk out of the club and never come back into my life. When I felt this, I told her that I needed her. She said that made her feel uncomfortable.
But she still stayed there to help me. She asked if I had ever taken psychedelics and if I’d ever seen a therapist. She told me I’m not alone and that there’s a community of like-minded people up in Boulder.
I shed two tears as the powerfully calm storm of her energy rocked the small skiff of my soul. My tears made her feel uncomfortable again.
She leaned over to her friends and said something to them and they all got up to leave. I understood. I was bringing chaotic intensity to her energy field without her permission.
When she left, I pulled my legs into a cross-legged seating position and took my phone out of my pocket to start writing. I wrote this:
I’m shaking. I type this now because this is when I feel it. Sitting here, cross-legged, after you’ve gotten up and left. I can’t help but hope that you come back. I know that you won’t. Your confidence in saying that you were leaving made me realize that you’ve felt this level of connection so many times before that it has become less exciting to you. To me, it feels like an emotion that I can only describe by the fact that I’m shaking. When I said I needed you, that became too much. What I’m typing now is what I would have said if you had stayed to have the conversation with me. I understand it’s not what you’re looking for right now. I wonder why that is. Is it because you’ve risen above this base human need that we all have? I want to learn from you. And that’s where the channels through which I was communicating with you got tangled.
I still have inner work to do on how I give and receive love. And so I’m not even totally sure what was happening in that moment. As I type this, I am realizing my self-centered approach to the situation. I was dumping. I was unloading a heavy emotional load. I understand now how that’s not fair. And it makes me wonder: Why have I not been able to unload this emotional burden earlier? How do other people unload their emotional burdens? How do spiritually-awakened people unload their emotional burdens? How am I in a position where I recognize the need to unload my emotional burden but at the same time lack the ability to do so? I feel like I’m in purgatory. I’ve realized that I’m burning, but I can’t find the stairway to heaven. How am I in this middle state? I feel like it would have been better if I had stayed asleep. I need to break through from here.