Fear is the heart killer

She’s right. Fear does spoil my love. Love is power. Fear undermines power. Fear exhausts and takes away from power. The energy I could be spending loving is spent on fear and worry.

What am I afraid of? It's hard to boil down all my various worries into a few sentences. Some general examples are fear of failure, fear of not being enough, fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of embarrassment, fear of death.

So what what happens if all my fears come true? I experience pain. Okay, I have experienced pain before. What else? I experience loss. Okay, I have experienced loss before. What am I so afraid of? What can possibly be worth me worrying this much? What is the big bad negative thing that is causing all this worry? And why is my fear of this big bad negative thing stronger than my love for all the goodness in my life?

Being in a constant state of worry is not the way that I want to live my life. It doesn't feel right. Even if I take a risk and I love fully and I experience pain and suffering, so what? I'll deal with it and then move on. What's the worst that could happen? Death, I suppose. And so what if I die?

I'm already 27. I've lived a good long life up to this point. I've been given so much goodness. So many people have loved me and cared for me. I haven't given as much as I’ve received. All the goodness I’ve been given is not mine to keep. There are others who need goodness and love too. And I have love to give. I want to stop hoarding it.

It feels to me now like the natural emotion of life is love. Because nothing's that bad, no matter what happens. Life is here and life is beautiful and life is happening. There is pain and suffering, sure. But even for all that pain and suffering, would we prefer nothingness? Would we prefer not to exist? I don't think so. Even with the pain, we prefer to exist. We prefer to take the pain, if we can only just have a little more goodness and beauty and love and art and joy in our lives.

And so what am I so afraid of? If I believe what I’ve said, if it makes rational sense to me that there is nothing to be afraid of, that even the worst things aren't that bad, then why do I still worry? I think it must just be a process. I have gotten this illness of fear and worry and I'm getting over it. I believe in my ability to heal. Talking it out like this is a part of the healing process. I need to heal. I want to give my love. I want to make others feel good.