Trying

A poem

I tried

And I tried

And I’m getting old enough now

That I can’t remember what I tried

Or why

But I remember you

And how it dawned on me that you were what I was trying for

And everything I was doing before

Didn’t matter

Once I got to be with you

But I realized that too late

Realized that when I was already halfway out the door to try some more

Maybe I’m not meant to return home in this lifetime

Maybe I’ll try for a few more lifetimes before I let myself be worthy of warmth

And the rocking chair

This lifetime feels like one for trying

Like I’ve got words to say that I haven’t said yet

Even when I get what I’m trying for, I give it up

I step away from the fireplace, back out into the rain

And there is a moment

When I stand just outside the open door

And I look back at you sitting on a fur rug by the fire

A blanket draped over your bare shoulders

The side of your breast showing its fullness

Of all the beauty and life and love I could ever want

And then I look out at the darkness and feel the biting wind and hear the rain on the wet ground

And I close the door and step out into the cold