When I moved to Denver last year, I joined a social club that focused on wellness and connection. My favorite event hosted by the club was called Authentic Connection, facilitated by Amelia Broughton.
In June, I moved back to San Francisco and rediscovered a similar community to the one I found in Denver. The one in San Francisco is called The Center. I attended an event at The Center, facilitated by Dakota Quackenbush, that was similar to the Authentic Connection events facilitated by Amelia in Denver.
That's when I realized that these events in Denver and San Francisco shared a common philosophy called Authentic Relating.
What is Authentic Relating?
When I google "Authentic Relating," the first result is the website for ART International.
According to ART International,
"Authentic relating is a groundbreaking relational practice that creates profoundly enriching, enlivening, and nourishing relationships in all social domains of life, from the bedroom to the boardroom, with intimate partners and perfect strangers and everyone in between."
"Authentic relating offers an integrated set of skills and tools that are potent, versatile, and easy to learn and apply in everyday life, with everyone we encounter. It combines cutting edge research into the science of relationships with the timeless tenets of ancient wisdom to produce a relational practice that is non-dogmatic, eminently practical, and immediately accessible by anyone."
Another website, Authentic Revolution, defines Authentic Relating as ...
"The practice of freely expressing your true experience in the company of others."
And an article written by Taylor Prewitt for The Atlantic explains Authentic Relating like this ...
"Authentic relating uses exercises, or games, to teach the skills necessary to quickly create deep, meaningful human connection."
What's the history of AR?
According to the Atlantic article written in 2017,
"The movement ... began in San Francisco in the late 1990s and now has a presence in 50 communities in 14 different countries throughout the world."
"After moving in his 20s to San Francisco, [Bryan] Bayer [one of the original cofounders of the movement] and a group of like-minded friends began to challenge one another to be completely honest about their feelings—anything they felt like withholding due to shame or fear had to be said—in an attempt to build intimacy. The practice was so rewarding that they began to think of how they could bring it to the world and eventually developed early games and programming."
More about the history of Authentic Relating.
What happens at AR events?
Speaking from my experiences at seven AR events in four different locations, each event usually starts like any other social event—attendees trickle in to the space, most arrive early, a few arrive late (although some facilitators have a policy of "shutting the doors" and not allowing latecomers to enter the space because it disrupts the flow of the event).
When it's time for the event to start, the facilitator asks everyone to take a seat in a circle. Before we begin, the facilitator explains the "rules" or the "agreements." Typically, the agreements are something like:
Respect yourself
Respect others
Be present
Lean into your edge
Confidentiality by request
After everyone agrees to the rules, it's common for the facilitator to lead a group meditation. One example of the meditation is everyone closes their eyes and then people alternate speaking aloud what they're noticing about their experience—"I notice the sound of the person next to me breathing" or "I notice tension in my chest." It gets interesting when people start noticing things in response to what others are noticing. As this happens, the group starts to meld into a collective consciousness.
Next, once the rules have been explained and the group meditation has grounded everyone in being together in the present moment, the games begin.
The rest of the event is one game after another. Here are some examples of Authentic Relating games. Some of the games are designed for the whole group, standing in a circle. Other games require the group to break up into pairs or smaller groups.
At the end of the event (most events are scheduled for two hours), there's some sort of concluding exercise (for example, everyone reorganizes into a circle and each person shares how they were feeling coming into the event and how they are feeling now).
One thing I've noticed at the end of AR events is that there's a drastic difference in the relationships between attendees by the end of the event. People who were complete strangers just two hours before become closer in a way that few, if any, other social events can replicate. One of the participants quoted in the Atlantic article says, "I realized I knew more about people [in my group] that I’d just met than I knew about some of my best friends."
What's so great about Authentic Relating?
For me, I crave deeper connection with people. I feel this especially when I'm having an "everyday conversation" with someone.
We all have an internal dialogue going on. At all times, there's stuff that we're thinking and feeling, but we don't share it with each other. Instead, we go through the motions of talking about the weather, sports, work, gossip, etc.
Those conversational topics have merit. I think those are good "warm up" topics, i.e., in the first few minutes that you're connecting with someone, it feels abrupt to drop straight into, "So, how are you really doing?" There's a process of synchronizing emotionally. At AR events, this synchronizing process is achieved with a group meditation. In everyday conversation, "warm up" topics achieve this.
Also, there's an element of opting in. Maybe the other person doesn't want to go deeper. I personally believe that everyone craves human connection on some level, but not everyone is in a place of consciously wanting to invite the deeper connection into their lives at the given moment.
Authentic Relating is great because it creates space for people to opt in to the deeper human connection. If that's something you want, you can show up to an AR event and you know that everyone else is there because they want something similar. That breaks down this initial barrier of being afraid to go deeper.
After an AR event, I feel less separate. From AR, I feel like I actually get what I want to get (but don’t) when I go out to dinner or drinks—the standard forms of socializing that don't always get to the deeper level.
Bryan Bayer said this about what it was like for him at the beginning of the Authentic Relating movement:
“It just created a type of closeness that whenever we went to little parties or types of gatherings, people would be like, ‘Hey, what are you guys on? Can I have some?’ and we were like, ‘No, we’re just high off each other and raw honesty ... Just revealing something vulnerable about yourself can be its own rush, it can be its own thrill.”
Why AR is particularly important now: the loneliness epidemic
"There are, of course, plenty of ways to meet people and join a community that don’t involve sitting in a “hot seat” while people pepper you with personal questions. Some of those means, though, are on the decline—religion, and even traditional office spaces, for example. But initiates of authentic relating paint a picture of a meaningful, exhilarating connection that’s more difficult to find in the day-to-day."
“Ostensibly we’re supposed to go from depending on our parents for support in moments of confusion. A lot of people, instead of transitioning that to their friends and community, it gets transitioned onto technology, and so in times of stress, [feeling] overwhelmed, challenged—where do they go? They go to Netflix or social media, YouTube, whatever,” says Benjamin. “We tend to defer our pain and numb it rather than really facing it. It seems to be filling in a gap.”
— "The Club Where You Bare Your Soul to Strangers," The Atlantic
The General Social Survey was collected for the first time in 1985. It collected data on "the confidants with whom Americans discuss important matters." The survey was collected again in 2004. From 1985 to 2004, "the number of people saying there is no one with whom they discuss important matters nearly tripled."
More recently, Cigna commissioned surveys on loneliness in February 2018, July 2019, and December 2021.
"Now, according to new, confirmatory data ... commissioned by Cigna [in December 2021], more than half of U.S. adults (58%) are considered lonely. This is fairly consistent with pre-pandemic research that showed 61% of adults experiencing loneliness in 2019, after a seven percentage point increase from 2018."
What's causing the loneliness?
Everyone seems to be pointing the finger at technology, especially social media and the internet.
"One reason the Internet makes us lonely is we attempt to substitute real relationships with online relationships. Though we temporarily feel better when we engage others virtually, these connections tend to be superficial and ultimately dissatisfying," wrote Caroline Beaton in a 2017 Psychology Today article.
This study found that "online social contacts with friends and family were not an effective alternative for offline social interactions in reducing feelings of loneliness."
And technology can even hurt our offline relationships. A study by Andrew K. Przybylski and Netta Weinstein of the University of Essex "evaluated the extent to which the mere presence of mobile communication devices shape relationship quality in dyadic settings." The study involved two experiments. Both experiments "found evidence [mobile phones] can have negative effects on closeness, connection, and conversation quality. These results demonstrate that the presence of mobile phones can interfere with human relationships, an effect that is most clear when individuals are discussing personally meaningful topics."
There has also been a recent breakdown in the social institutions that used to provide structure for community interactions. Apparently Robert Putnam’s 2001 book Bowling Alone discusses this. It's on my bookshelf, but I haven't read it yet.
According to Gallup in 2021,
"Americans' membership in houses of worship continued to decline last year, dropping below 50% for the first time in Gallup's eight-decade trend. In 2020, 47% of Americans said they belonged to a church, synagogue or mosque, down from 50% in 2018 and 70% in 1999."
According to Pew in 2022,
"Roughly six-in-ten U.S. workers who say their jobs can mainly be done from home (59%) are working from home all or most of the time."
According to NPR in 2022,
"Undergraduate college enrollment is continuing its years-long decline, though at a much less drastic rate than during the pandemic ... U.S. colleges and universities saw a drop of just 1.1% of undergraduate students between the fall of 2021 and 2022. This follows a historic decline that began in the fall of 2020; over two years, more than 1 million fewer students enrolled in college."
Less people are gathering at church, in the office, and at school.
Bringing Authentic Relating to the workplace
I have strong opinions about work culture in America. We work more than we need to. And some normalized work habits are toxic and non-human.
But I don't expect these things to change overnight. Making massive societal changes has to happen in baby steps. You have to meet society where it is.
The Great Resignation and "quiet quitting" are trends that suggest the change is underway, but we are by and large still a very work-obsessed society in the U.S.
Businesses are incentivized to support their employees in addressing loneliness.
According to Cigna, stress-related absenteeism costs employers $154 billion annually.
This study found that "lonely workers have significantly greater stress-related absenteeism and higher turnover intention ratings compared to workers who are not lonely."
The same study also found that "the job resources of social companionship, work-life balance and satisfaction with communication had significant negative relationships to loneliness."
There is a strong business case for bringing Authentic Relating to the workplace. Personally, I don't think everything needs to be about adding dollars to the bottom line for corporations. But business is arguably the strongest social institution in modern society and offering Authentic Relating programming to employees at their workplaces is a scalable way to bring Authentic Relating to a lot of people.
I want to offer this Authentic Relating service to employees in the workplace
My personal journey lately has been focused on manifestation and aligning with my desires.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about starting a business that helps people feel good.
It feels very aligned for me to focus my work energy on helping people to feel good, especially by feeling less lonely and more connected.
It seems like offering Authentic Relating as a service to employees in the workplace is a good way to achieve this.
Next, I want to pursue education and training that will empower me to facilitate Authentic Relating events.
It seems that Authentic Revolution and ART International both offer training courses.
Enough writing, time for training!
After an AR event, I feel less separate. From AR, I feel like I actually get what I want to get (but don’t) when I go out to dinner or drinks—the standard forms of socializing that don't always get to the deeper level.
does this have to be the case? are there ways that a single person can inject AR into a conversation with others who may not be familiar with it?
Hey Cole, agree we all crave deeper connection. Whether we are aware of it or not. I find, similar to you, - a lot of the time people seem to lack the openness and vulnerability to meet you there, and so I end up walking away from social activities feeling even more depleted than when I arrived. Nice perspective you mentioned in everyone might not be in the place of wanting to invite in the deep connection at that moment. I like AR, it sounds very much like the way we all need to learn to communicate and connect with each other. Awesome work on starting your training to teach this in workplaces. I'll defiantly be on the watch for any AR events that pop up around me :)