Judging my thoughts
I have noticed that I judge my thoughts even more than I realized. Last night, I got up to go to the bathroom. When I got back into bed, I laid my head on the pillow and tried to go immediately back to sleep, but I started to think about work. I was thinking about the items I had on my to-do list for the coming day.
I even started to strategize and outline the steps for how I would complete each item. I thought about this for 15 or 20 seconds before some other part of my mind said to the part of my mind that was thinking about work, "You shouldn't be thinking about that right now. You need to go back to sleep."
So then I tried to stop thinking about work. I tried to just focus on my breath and nothing else. That's when I realized that this is my pattern of judging my thoughts: I start thinking and then I tell myself that I shouldn't be thinking the particular thoughts for one reason or another.
In the example of thinking about work in the middle of the night, I told myself that I shouldn't be thinking thoughts about work at that particular time because I needed to get back to sleep.
Other times I have worrisome thoughts—I'm most susceptible to these when standing in the shower, rinsing shampoo out of my hair. I start to worry about increasingly disastrous possible future scenarios and prematurely start to feel the fear, pain, sadness, and other negative emotions even before the possible future scenario has actually happened. I know that I do this. I know that it's not good to worry. I believe in the adage that says, "If you worry, you suffer twice." But still, I worry. And because I believe I should not be worrying, I judge my worrisome thoughts. I start to worry. I start to think worrisome thoughts. And then I tell myself, "You should not be thinking those worrisome thoughts. It's not good for you."
A third example is when I think thoughts that I think are right or wrong for a moralistic reason. I allow myself to keep having thoughts that some moral standard has taught me are right. I repress and try to stop thinking thoughts that some moral standard has taught me are wrong.
A fourth example is judging my thoughts based on whether they are logically true or false. I allow myself to think thoughts that I think are true and I repress and try to stop thinking thoughts that I think are false.
One of the most simple and profound spiritual teachings that has been weaving its thread throughout the whole fabric of my life lately is this: what is is what is.
When I apply this teaching to how I judge my thoughts, I realize that what is for me in the moment that I am thinking those thoughts is that I am thinking those thoughts. That's just what it is. That's the reality. I am thinking thoughts and they are neither right nor wrong. To say that they are right or wrong is to cast judgment on them. And the problem with judgment is that it's not based on anything solid.
In the example of me trying to stop thinking about work in order to get back to bed, I was judging my thoughts as inappropriate and untimely, as a result of their being in conflict with my desire to get back to bed quickly so that I could get a full night's rest before work the next day.
What's going on there is that I have this plan for how my life should go. I have determined that performing well at my job is good for me. And in order to perform well at my job, I need to get a full night's rest. And therefore I need to block out and stop and prohibit anything that prevents me from getting a full night's rest.
In the example about thinking worrisome thoughts in the shower, I have determined that worrying is bad for me. So whenever I start to think of a thought that I judge to be in the worrisome category, I try to stop thinking it.
From a certain point of view, this seems like an appropriate way to live and think. It is certainly popularized, taught, and encouraged in the American culture in which I've grown up.
In school, we were taught to stay focused. If we were in math class and we were looking out the window daydreaming and then the teacher called on us to answer a math question, but we didn't know the answer because we weren't thinking about math, we were thinking about the soccer team practicing on the field outside, then the teacher would reprimand us, saying something like, "Pay attention." In our jobs, we focus on the specific tasks that fit within the scope of our job titles.
And this does seem to be a successful way to live and think. If you have a plan or a purpose or something that needs to get done, focused mental power is an effective means of achievement. But why do we have any given purpose in the first place?
Most of the purposes we have began as thoughts, either in our own minds or in the mind of someone else.
Purpose is really just a preconceived idea of how the future should turn out. In order to achieve this future outcome, we control the present moment. We only allow for present moments that will bring us one step closer to the future outcome that we are planning for.
And again, this could be an effective way to achieve a specific future outcome. If you want to get rich, you should do things that increase your money and not do things that decrease your money. If you want to become President of the United States, there are certain political situations and promotions and successes that you need to have along the way.
This is how I've lived my own life up to this point. There are things I've desired and I've taken certain actions to achieve those things. But now I am realizing that there is another way to live.
It is not necessarily a better way or the right way to live. It's just another way. And the big shift that's required to live this other way of life is to let go, to surrender to a will higher than my own individual will, to trust in whatever happens, to go with the flow.
Because all the other purposes and plans I had for my life are phony. They were based on societal norms and egoic desires and made-up ideas of who I should be in the future.
What is is what is—these are the simple words that have been teaching me so much lately.
Now, coming back to judging my thoughts. When I judge a thought, I tell myself that it is good or bad, right or wrong and that based on those judgments, it should or should not be. Then I try to control what I'm thinking. I try to think the good thoughts and not the bad thoughts.
But the truth is: I am having the thoughts that I am having. That is the reality. And whenever I judge my thoughts and try to change them, I am trying to change reality
Instead, the spiritual exercise that has allowed me to learn more about myself is to watch my thoughts, to listen to them, to see where they go, and to try to understand where they came from.
This brings me into an intimate relationship with reality. Rather than perceiving the reality and quickly trying to change it, I see the reality for what it is, no matter what it is.
Because when I quickly try to change reality, I don't have time to understand what it is. I only have time to understand what I want it to be. But what I want it to be isn't real. That's just a made-up fairy tale.
With my thoughts, specifically, I can begin to understand why I think certain thoughts. With worrying, for example, instead of judging my worrying and trying to stop worrying, I can sit with my worry. At first, it's uncomfortable. But when I realize that worrying is neither good nor bad and that it's not wrong for me to be worrying, then it ceases to be uncomfortable.
Once I achieve this stoic awareness, I can examine my worry. I can ask myself: Why am I worrying about this? What am I worrying about?
Okay, so I don't want this future outcome to happen. Why not? Well, because I want this to happen. Okay, why do I want that to happen? Well, because I want to be healthy. Okay, why do I want to be healthy? Well, because I want to be perceived as strong and sexually attractive. Okay, why do I want to be perceived as strong and sexually attractive? Well, because I want to continue to have sexual experiences and I want to attract love from others. Okay, why do I want to continue to have sexual experiences and attract love from others?
This self-examining Socratic method is one way to go about it. But even this is somewhat controlling.
I am trying to understand. Ah, but that is a purpose. Better yet, I would just listen.
And I think, although I haven't been able to achieve this yet, just by listening, all things will come become obvious to me with time. And if they don't become obvious, then what is is what is.
The paradox of this situation is that even this idea of trying not to judge my thoughts is itself a purpose. I am still trying to control. The reality is that I judge my thoughts.
And this is a spiritual question I haven't solved yet. It becomes tricky to understand when to apply the individual will. In some sense the individual will as part of the universal will.
When I apply my individual will, that just is what it is. When I realize this, I can get a sense of peace, even when I'm judging my thoughts, even when I'm doing what I perceive is not correct spiritually. And that is the next level: to realize that even spirituality doesn't follow its own rules sometimes.
If you can't apply your own individual will, then how are you going to become more spiritual? If the purpose I have in judging my thoughts less is to become more spiritual, then am I doing the exact same thing as when I was judging my thoughts in order to achieve some future outcome?
So this is where I am.
It seems to make sense to me now: to let go more of my individual will, to go with the flow of things, to let things be as they are without trying to control them so much myself.
Am I still falling into the same trap of trying to control my life? Yes, it seems so. But I do feel that I'm getting closer. Closer to what? I don't know.
Something still tells me that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought that light was various things during various parts of my life. I thought it was money. I thought it was truth. I thought it was heaven. I thought it was art. I thought it was love. I thought it was beauty. Most recently, I think it is enlightenment and peace. I think it is something that will allow me to die without pain.
But I see that I am still just trading one goal for another goal. I'm still pursuing something. Maybe that's okay. My pursuit is what it is. This is the reality of my life. Whatever happens, it's okay. Because that just is what is.
If nothing else, this brings me peace. Even if I am doing it wrong. I'm not worried that I'm doing it wrong. Because me doing it wrong is just what is.
I'm still not totally sure how hard I'm supposed to try to do it right, if I'm meant to do it wrong. For now, I guess I'll keep trying, just because I don't know what else to do. I wake up in the morning and I have energy, so I have to do something.
And that's the fun of it, I guess. That's the part where I can just smile and dance around and go throughout my day and have fun with it and try new things and try to make other people happy and try to make myself happy and try to love and try to help people in need and just do whatever.
I'm here and I'm doing my best and it is what it is and it's all okay.